1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize