dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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