listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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