cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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