I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
