I haven't been this sober since birth.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
