Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
