My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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