i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
