When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
