Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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