I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
