I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
