I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
