Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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