If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize