i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
