You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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