she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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