Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
