Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
