Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
COCAINE IS GR8
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
