walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
