I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
