just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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