in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
