I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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