i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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