Do you still have your period?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
