The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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