can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
