Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
