Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Just puked most of my soul out..
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
