i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
