i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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