You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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