K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
