Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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