you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Randomize
