hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Randomize
