it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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