Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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