forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm sobbing to NWA
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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