Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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