she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
