I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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