I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
