I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Well I just put wine in my tea
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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