i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
