Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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