Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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