I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
