i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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