You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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