please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
