dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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