You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
