I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
