...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
