Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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