he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
sex in a hospital.. check
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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