Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
