You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
