Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize