I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
