I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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