I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
