Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
