What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
