Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
