Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
