I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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