wrigley field is MILF paradise
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
